The CFB Degenerate's Newsletter: The Return of the King
At my signal, unleash hell.
- Maximus, Gladiator (2000)
It’s midnight, and a cold wind howls through the empty streets, carrying whispers of the unseen as the city of Austinia Maxima slumbers under a heavy, starless sky. A lone figure moves silently through the shadows, his eyes narrowing as he spots a single, faint light flickering in an upper window of an old, decaying building. He’d seen this candle light lit many an eve, for it was the office of his old mentor—Julius “Nick” Sabanus Maximus.
The man resolved to ascend the ancient cobbled steps to greet the venerable stalwart on this frigid yet fair January night. After all, Sabanus was more than just a mentor…
“Father, what are you doing up so late?”
Sabanus replies “Ah, Stephanios Joaquin Sarkisian, please, come in. I have much to discuss with you.”
Stephanios takes his seat.
“Stephanios, are you ready to do your duty?”
“Yes, Father.”
A brief pause is followed by a damning message “…You will not be the new emperor of the SEC.” Sabanus explains.
Stephanios Joaquin Sarkisian cannot hide his disappointment. With tears in his eyes, he asks “Which wiser, superior, coach is to take my place?”
“My powers will pass to Kirbyus Maximus, to hold in sacred trust until Kalenyus Deboer ceases his folly against the Commodores. Then shall the SEC be restored to its rightful state as a republic once more.”
“Kirby?”
“Yes… My decision disappoints you?”
“You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues of an elite CFB program— development, culture, fortitude and temperance.
As I read the list, I knew that my house—house Longhorn, had none of them. But we have other virtues, father.
Thin skin. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resources… courage, perhaps not on the football field, but... there are many forms of courage, such as the courage to throw one’s feces at the senate until they give us what we want… Lamborghini sponsorships… But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn’t want me for your offensive coordinator.”
Sabanus sighs, disappointed in the reaction.
“Stephanios, you lost in the great duel between house Bulldog and house Longhorn not a Fortnite ago. Not only that, but my squires tell me you injured Kirbyus before the match with a dagger to the shoulder… this is disgraceful behaviour, and if the senate ever found out…”
A maniacal laugh erupts from Stephanios’ mouth.
“Oh Father, you are blind. Who do you think helped me bribe the officials for the duel? The senate, who you’ve held so dear for so long, the same senate who ruled Tylarius Simion offsides in the championship battle of 2017, no longer owe their allegiance to you and the other great houses of the SEC…
House Longhorn has accrued an abundance of gold via olive oil production and trade, and we always get what we want in the end…”
THUD
Before Stephanios Joaquin Sarkisian can finish his thought, a blade is driven into his torso. He’s heavily wounded, but the impact is not fatal—he’ll live another day. Before succumbing to unconsciousness he turns around to find one Jalonyus Aurelius Sky Walker.
“Thou cup runneth over, Stephanios!” Sabanus yells out. “And yet you still tampered with my gladiators every year…”
Just then a visored figure emerges from the shadows, shoving over Stephanios’ prized warrior—Quintus Ewers onto the floor like the little pussy that he is.
Now, standing over Sarkisian is all three of Kirbyus, Jalonyus and Sabanus. Together, they deliver the message:
“Welcome to the SEC, wanker.”
Hello pigs, welcome back. Here are some interesting facts this week:
ONE. Army’s option QB Bryson Dailey is the #1 scorer in CFF currently… just as we all suspected this offseason.
TWO. There are currently two RBs with over 1000 yards rushing: BSU’s Ashton Jeanty (1248) and Iowa’s Kaleb Johnson (1035). Johnson has 20 less carries than he had for the entirety of the 2022 season, but already has over 200 more yards than he finished with that year. He is on pace to be the first #VolumePig for the Hawkeyes since Akrum Wadley’s 250 carries in 2017.
THREE. UNLV WR Ricky White has three blocked punts, which is more than any FBS team currently. LSU RB Caden Durham is the first LSU freshman to score three TDs and rush for over 100 yards since 1995.
FIFTEEN. Texas’ 15 point loss is the most by an AP #1 seed since Dan Marino’s Pitt team lost in 1982.
NOVEMBER. An Iowa QB hasn’t passed for 300 or more yards since November 23, 2019. Alabama hasn’t had two losses before November since 2007.
Coaching Carousel Begins
It’s that time of the year again and already four coaches have been fired or stepped down. The headliner is OU’s OC, Seth Littrell, who was a disaster for the Sooners this season. Of course, losing your starting four receivers plus the 5th man off the bench doesn’t help. Throw in a weak offensive line and it almost feels like a miracle that Littrell made it this far.
ECU’s HC Mike Houston was rewarded for keeping the Army game competitive with a firing the next morning. Ouch. Ditto for Southern Miss HC Will Hall.
It’s no secret that Utah has been struggling this year amidst whispers that it could be Kyle Whittingham’s last hurrah, and, well, his OC Andy Ludwig beat him to it by resigning earlier this week. This is a situation that I am particularly interested in monitoring for future CFF value.
A few others who may not make it to the end include UF’s Billy Napier and WVU’s Neal Brown. I will continue to track the CFF relevant coaching changes this season in this weekly series, and then in a separate document in the offseason.
UGA vs. Texas Recap
I have a confession this week: I haven’t placed a single College Football bet this season due to expenditures related to buying a new place and financing a wedding. When I was gambling in years past, one of the rules I tried to adhere to was the fact that Kirby doesn’t lose to teams not named Alabama.
Unfortunately, this poor fellow didn’t get the memo prior to the game:
If you committed to this rule over the last handful of years, you’d be right in almost all of UGA’s big games with the exception of 2019 LSU, who were simply on another level on offence, and 2020 UF, who caught a bad (relatively speaking) UGA team.
The list of pelts Kirby now sports on his wall includes: Ohio State, Clemson, Michigan, Oregon, Florida State, Oklahoma, Notre Dame, Texas, Alabama, Tennessee, LSU and others. That’s the two best programs of the B1G, the two best of the former BIG 12, the former PAC12’s best program, The ACC’s two best programs of the last decade, and the best of the rest of the SEC. The only program on that list that can say the same about UGA since 2020 is Alabama.
If Carson Beck hadn’t forgotten how to play football, I would say that UGA could and should win the natty this year with Alabama potentially missing the playoff. As long as there is a clear, non-Alabama path to the natty, UGA always has a good shot in my mind. It’s just one of those weird things… I don’t know what else to say other than Kirby clearly has an Alabama problem.
By the way, if you have a Tide friend or family member who hasn’t committed seppuku yet, I’d hug them whenever you get a chance and cherish the time you have with them now before it’s too late.
Speaking of pathetic, I have several thoughts on Saturday night’s game between UGA and UTjr.
Starting from the get-go there was all sorts of bullshit at work. UGA’s headsets apparently weren’t working to start the game. As a result, UTjr.’s staff were forced to stop using their headsets as per SEC rules, but I imagine this is more of an honour rule thing. Either way, this issue seemed to resolve itself shortly thereafter (despite any images you might have seen of Bobo using a walkie talkie, lol).
What transpired over the next 30 minutes was pure domination. The Dawgs have dominated pretty much everybody at some point or another since Kirby got there, but I don’t think I have seen them take another top five program to the woodshed that bad since 2021 Michigan. It reminded me of watching that CFP game in Miami, where it felt like a college football team rag dolling a high school program. Even Connor Stallions couldn’t stop that shit.
Thanks to some perplexing play calling, and Carson Beck (plus his WRs) not being very good at football at the moment, UTjr. was fortunate to go into halftime only down 23. A three possession game after all that bitch-slapping just didn’t sit right with me at the time.
Moments before diving into a delicious ice cream Sunday I thought “this is a bad omen for the second half”. CFB wisemen can attest to the fact that whenever a team dominates in the first half, but doesn’t print the receipt on the scoreboard, strange things tend to happen. One accidental/failed squib kick later and UTjr. had their first points of the evening.
Now, as we all know, there was an incident in the third quarter. Intelligent minds can see the big picture beyond UGA vs. UTjr., and I think we can agree that an unfortunate precedent has now been set.
Not only that, but the explanation provided by Matt Loefller is bizarre. Apparently, he actually meant to call OPI, i.e. he confused number 11 in red for number 7 in orange, and only realized this 10 minutes later, after they had set the ball down for UGA’s offence, blew the whistle to start the clock, and a crowd of wankers threw bottles on the field.
If that is the case this guy should not be responsible for calling big-time CFB games ever again. Hell, he shouldn't even be responsible for calling high school games, because his brain is softer than Texas’ offensive line. It’s nonsensical that a multibillion dollar business (like CFB is now) would still by reffed by part time employees, and I think the events of this game was a prime example of why that is problematic.
Which brings me to my next point: after doing a bit of internet sleuthing (five minutes on message boards) I see that Mr. Loffller (head ref) is a resident in Dallas, who’s son graduated from UTjr., and who owns a window company in the state of Texas, presumably relying on the sale of goods to other Texas residences, many of whom I assume would be UTjr. fans. This is a strange choice to referee this game if you ask me.
All in all, I’m left with many questions. But I am glad that the call was ultimately overturned. This led to a massive controversy and a unanimous impression amongst CFB watchers that what happened in the second half (not just the OPI/DPI debacle) was pure bullshit. It eliminates any excuse that would have otherwise tarnished the beatdown that transpired in Austin this past Saturday.
I don’t even want to go back and count how many times Trevor Etienne actually scored in the fourth quarter. Or the two targeting calls on UGA defenders that could be called every game if officials wanted to. And not even any holding calls on that UTjr. OL who were getting bitch slapped all night??? Shaking my head… this is a good time to recall the words of the legendary Chris “Boomer” Berman: C’MON MAN! ◾
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