(Brackett) Every kid in Haddonfield thinks this place is haunted.
They may be right.
- Loomis, Halloween (1978)
Some Interesting Stats
Penn State has three blocked kicks in their last three losses.
Headed into this past weekend, there were six passers who had surpassed 2000 yards currently: Baylor’s Sawyer Robertson, Duke’s Darian Mensah, USC’s Jayden Maiava, SJSU’s Walker Eget, TCU’s Josh Hoover, and FAU’s Caden Veltkamp. Now there are 18.
Through nine weeks, not a single RB has surpassed 1000 yards rushing yet, with JSU’s Cam Cook still leading the way with 949 rushing yards.
Army’s QB Cale Hellums is top ten in rush attempts across all players. AF’s Liam Szarka is next, tied for 18th.
There are 11 players with double digit rushing TDs, and four of those are QBs (Iowa’s Mark Gronowski, Georgia Tech’s Haynes King, Navy’s Blake Horvath, and Army’s Cale Hellums.
UVA’s RB Harrison Waylee has the longest rush thus far this season (97 yards) of any runner.
There are two WRs who are tied for the longest reception thus far this season (98 yards), and they both recorded this catch on Oct. 18th. The receivers are Southern Mississippi State’s Micah Davis, and Old Dominion’s Tre Brown.
CMU’s Nahree Biggins has the longest reception of any RB with 88 yards.
Coaching Carousel Continues
Welcome back to what has become a weekly segment at this point. Usually this sort of thing doesn’t kick off until November, but lucky us, the fun got started early this season.
I think the logical first place to start is with the headliner so far… Colorado State’s Jay Norvell—wait, no, that’s not right, LSU’s Brian Kelly is probably more important.
This is, evidently, a very tough business (at least, when it comes to holding a position down). The job perks are pretty rad actually—have you seen these fucking buyouts? Indeed, one can only feel so bad for a man being paid 50 million dollars to not work.
I’ll also add that I’m probably in the minority when it comes to my opinion of BK. I always listened to his press conferences at LSU just because I like them. I’ve seen a lot of people say that he’s not a good guy—and to be fair, I don’t know him personally—so they could be right. But, from a bird’s eye view, I do enjoy his ethos as a coach.
He will be the first LSU coach since Hal Hunter in 1999 (who only got one season as head coach) to not win a natty in Baton Rouge. That probably stings his ego a bit, but there are certainly worse problems to have (again, see buyout # above).
Where I may not be in the minority is in holding the opinion that from a culture fit perspective, BK and LSU could each probably do better. BK feels more like a midwest/NE guy. And from that view, maybe this firing came at a fortune time for him given the PSU opening. In fact, that seems like a good fit.
And maybe LSU goes after James Franklin? Probably not, but Franklin did really well during his time in the SEC with Vanderbilt. I don’t imagine Kirby Smart, Ryan Day, or Steve Sarkisian are willing to leave where they're at currently, so that rules them out too. And Dabo feels like a Clemson man to the end, but maybe this season’s poor results will persuade him to consider his options—and maybe LSU calls with that notion in mind.
It’s also fair to ask just how highly regarded is the LSU job right now? I’d say it was a better job pre-NIL. LSU had a virtual lock on Louisiana talent, with the only exception being Nick Saban at Alabama—which I’m sure felt debilitating to some degree for LSU fans at the time—but now literally every top program in the country recruits Louisiana and a lot of them are successful. For context, only two of LSU’s starters this year prepped in Louisiana. This was unheard of five years ago.
I think about states like Georgia, Louisiana and Mississippi in the south. The word seems to be out that those with money should come shopping for talent here. There’s a lot of human misery happening in these places and there also just happens to be a lot of good football players with opportunities to transcend those situations. A good thing for human kind collectively, not so great for places like LSU, unfortunately.
As a fan of the Georgia Bulldogs, we Dawg fans share in the same pain as you LSU readers. I’ve watched a lot of peach kids who would have played good ball at Georgia over the last few cycles choose elsewhere despite what appeared to be poorer fits. Then again, part of that is just my opinion.
I guess my point is, Louisiana talent is no longer locked into LSU like it was before, and thus the job itself is not as good. NIL equalizes a lot of things, one of those factors being geography and emotional things like: do I even like these coaches? Do I fit here?
Nonetheless, you’d probably rather recruit from a program like LSU than PSU, and so I’ll assert that that’s the best job opening currently. Though it’s fine if you disagree. Florida and PSU are behind, probably on a tied tier from my view. I know Florida has the geography, but their path to the CFP is much harder year in-year out compared to PSU in my opinion.
Which brings me to the other opening that happened last week—after flirting with it from what felt like the inception of the hire, Florida Gators brass fired head coach Billy Napier.
I don’t know how I feel about this one. I think most of these firings are pre-mature, and maybe that’s just me being sympathetic to the difficulty of expectations presented to most of these coaches. CFB is a sport in flux right now, and power-brokers/fans need to acclimate to the fact that winning eight or nine games in the B1G and SEC is a great achievement. That playing in close games every week is increasingly becoming the norm, not the exception. And that having an elite record like 11-1 or 12-0 will really just be more of a function of having a great team AND an easy schedule AND a lot of luck.
There is one coach’s firing that I agree with, however, and that is Colorado State’s Jay Norvell. I remember following the CSU program a lot in 2021 because I had their tailback David Bailey in my home league. I would listen to then-head coach Steve Addazio’s press conference every week and take a gage of the temperature in the room.
It felt like he was on the brink of a merciless lynching on the university premises weekly. No bueno, señor. Not good vibes at all. He fed that fat bastard David Bailey the rock though, which was all I was interested in—so I kept hoping he’d buy more time each each.
As a by product of this monitoring I learned about the CSU program—this is an organization that views itself as one of the top of their conference from an infrastructure and support perspective. From what I recall, and things may have changed since then, the expectation is to be competing and winning MWC championships every year. Now, of course, things are changing with realignment etc. etc. but I believe the general baselines expectation to be one of the best G5 program annually still remains.
Our old friend Jay “Gordon Gekko” Norvell capitalized on a few good years with a senior laden roster at Nevada, acquiring the CSU job after they fired coach Addazio (a sad day for me, unfortunately). Good for him, but it should be said he doesn't really have an extended history of success either. I did hope he’d be more successful from a pure CFF standpoint. Outside of Tory Horton, he failed to recreate the dynamic success at WR that he had achieved with the Wolfpack. Most disappointing were the lack of results at TE, with the sole exception being Dallin Holker, who was a first ballot VP HoFer at the TE position and a key cog in my finals appearance in CFFNate’s Dynasty league 2023.
You can think of CSU like an Auburn or Florida of the MWC. There is money, a lot of expectations for success, but not a lot of results recently to reinforce the validity of those expectations. It’s a funny place, if I do say so myself. I hope they find what they’re looking for soon,
The question I have now is: who does LSU pursue? This is—as previously mentioned—probably considered a top-three, or at least top five, job in CFB. Is Ole Miss head Coach Lane Kiffin considered an elite enough commodity for the likes of LSU/PSU? Would he even want these jobs at this point? That sounds strange, I know, but he seems to have a good thing going at Miss. I would think of all the jobs that could pry him away, LSU would be one of the few. He can basically do all the things he does now at Ole Miss, only (probably) better. Of course, the expectations are also going to be higher.
Does Saint Nick consider returning to CFB? I mean… I don’t know why he would That would be a strange move to me. But if he was going to do it, LSU would probably be the program, as much I’d love to see him return to his Alabama roots and take over UAB, NCAA Dynasty style (I mean, how fun would that be, right?).
They Don’t Die — UGA Comes Back AGAIN
Well, I meant to write this section last week following the Georgia vs. Miss game, which has become a cool little cross conference rivalry lately. The way the game played out, Miss taking a lead early on, Georgia roaring back to steal it at the end, is a movie we’ve seen a hundred times at this point (especially if you’re a Georgia fan).
In fact, at this point, I don’t think you can survive as a Dawg fan with a functioning/healthy heart if you allow yourself to worry when the Dawgs inevitably fall behind in their games.
Basically, the way the game will go 99% of the time is that it will look like Georgia are getting their asses kicked and are going to inevitably lose the game, and then somewhere in the third quarter some shit happens, you don’t really realize it, but then all of a sudden there’s a few mins left in the fourth quarter and you’re on the edge of your seat watching a make-or-break fourth down play (where UGA usually comes out on top). Next thing you know, the game is over and the number of points next to Georgia on the scoreboard are higher than the opponent.
This happens in an iterated fashion with the usual momentary blip against Alabama (to be fair, they’ve come back both times in the last two years vs. the Tide too, just couldn’t finish it), and before you know it, they are 6-1 and rated in the top 10 of the AP Poll.
I felt it only appropriate then to relate this program to the fictional horror character Michael Myers, who is also seemingly impossible to kill. You can never really count them out no matter the situation or defect involved. And I love that about them. They were already my favourite team, of course, but their resiliency has become a particular inspiring component for me recently… Which brings me to the next thing to discuss.
What I’m Dealing With Right Now
On October 19, I woke up with a drumming noise in my head. At first, of course, I believed it to be something external. I tried and tried to find the source, but to no avail, and then eventually realized it could be coming from inside my head.
This was obviously terrifying. It’s not an exaggeration to say that this is my absolute worst nightmare. I imagine many of you share the same sentiment. Sleep is fundamental to basically everything in life, so no sleep is basically a death sentence.
And to be clear, I’m more or less at peace with my time coming to an end. I’ve had brushes with death throughout my life. When I was 20 years old I was incredibly sick—with constant stomach pain, losing blood, weight by the day. I told myself at the time I didn’t want to drag through life like that. We have medically assisted death here in Canada and it is, in my opinion, a humane treatment for those who are suffering. That year went on for a long time without a diagnosis. That was the first time in my life where I seriously thought about my life ending. It’s a truly eye opening experience and you can’t simulate it. I hope to God that most if not all of you reading this have not had experience those thoughts.
However, at 20 I was frustrated. I hadn’t yet achieved many of the things I knew I could. I knew that I wouldn’t be remembered properly if that were it. When I finally received a diagnosis and medication, I recovered physically first (which took a few months). Mentally it took a few years to get right again. I still remember going to a basketball court, alone, and trying to run and jump again. My legs would break down with each movement. I probably looked like a newborn infant struggling all over the court. I did cry on the court that first day with the realization of how much ability I had lost in just one year.
But I went back to the court almost every day—alone—and engaged in other activities. Building myself back up piece by piece. In fact, I remember being annoyed when other people would drive by, or walk by. Why can’t I just do this without being observed, I thought. Can I just regain myself without the pressure of judgement, for fuck sake?!
Ultimately, these were not large on my concern list. I had felt like I had just been given a second chance at life. It was one of the happiest times of my life—near death experiences are always the best thing to ever happen you AFTER you get a diagnosis/solution and you can go on about your normal life.
The years that followed were what created the man I became later in my 20s. I was ecstatic to do homework again, to study, to work. To do the regular things we all take for granted under usual circumstances.
It’s the ability to wake up each morning with the capacity to push yourself to your fullest, in whichever direction you choose, that I missed the most when it was taken away. So, I loved getting back to classes at University. I studied all hours of the day. I made study planners meticulously organizing every half hour of the day.
Seriously, there was no minute unaccounted for. I wouldn’t even allow myself to linger on and have casual conversations with classmates/friends because I had to get to the next point on my calendar (which was usually just: ‘study XYZ for 30 minutes, be able to do ABC by end of session’). As soon as you feel the dread of your time running out, you no longer seek comfort and peace. Rather, at least for me, I needed to do everything all the time. To squeeze as much life into every minute as possible because it end tomorrow. I could wake up and the meds could stop working. Or maybe i’d have a different illness.
I felt inspired by myself, if that makes sense. Just seeing how much I was capable of. I had never been that motivated at any point in my life.
And so now, at 30, having been afflicted with this horrendous ailment, I did take solace in knowing that I already had that second chance moment, and lived life accordingly after that. It allowed me to not have regrets now when I thought about the possibility of my time coming to an end in the near future.
Last Wednesday, despite not sleeping for multiple days, I decided to go on one of my bike rides. It was a beautiful, cool, and quintessential fall afternoon. I had been to an audiologist that morning, cried on the phone with my mom for a few hours, came home to my condo to find the ceiling leaking (wife was at work), dealt with security/condo management, escaped momentarily with some porn for a brief moment of stress relief, cried for another hour, and then couldn’t stand being in the condo any longer. The whole atmosphere was misery. I felt so incredibly pathetic and disgusted… not to mention a little sleepy (wink wink).
So I pulled my ass out of there and hopped back on my horse. Rain began around 20 minutes into the ride but I didn’t mind. Something like that could not bother me anymore. I biked as fast as I could and with near reckless abandon—not having the courage to actually throw myself in harm’s way—but hoping a car would collide with me in what would hopefully be a quick, clean, and painless end.
After experiencing countless dangerous and even a near death encounter on my bike (Toronto drivers are not so smart) throughout the years, this ride was surprisingly safe. I made it to a park called High Park in the Westend in Toronto. The rain was coming down at this point but the park was still busy. With scores of Japanese tourists, hipster white girls with their umbrellas taking photos for (I presume) social media, and even a man playing a trumpet on a bench. I had my goggles on but the rain would have also masked my tears. I was sobbing the entire ride. The rain was relentless and I almost felt that the world was crying with me (that’s how self-absorbed I am, jeez!).
I didn’t want to leave the park. I just kept looping around the biking circuit over and over again. Leaving meant I had to go back to face my actual life. The place of my misery—the condo. Sitting down with these thoughts. With this noise. With the idea that everything has changed—for the worst.
I rode dangerously on my way back through urban area. Fortunately (or unfortunately), depending on the perspective, I made it home in one piece. The post-exercise effect had at least calmed me down. I played background music to help me forget about the noise.
I then told my wife that night, when she returned, that she should begin thinking about leaving me. I told her that it makes no sense for a healthy, happy person to be dragged down with me. That I wanted to end my life and she should get started as soon as possible on finding another partner so that she can have a family (biological clock and all).
This was a very emotional conversation. My wife did not handle what I told her well. I realized in that conversation that this was much bigger than myself. That selfishly, I had just thought about ending my suffering. Nabbing it in the bud, so that most of my memories would be good memories, rather than wasting away over time.
But I realized that she would never leave me, no matter what. And that if I left, she would not recover, so then I am basically killing her with that decision too. Gosh darn it, there are so many wives out there that couldn’t care less about their husbands—if I had one of those this decision would have been so much easier.
No, I couldn’t believe how much she loved. I’ve even told her in the past that she loves me more than I love her. However, she is unfazed by this, which I think is a testament to her love and way of being. She is unselfish in this way. Truly, I think she is the greatest person I know.
The look on her face at one moment has changed me in ways I’m not sure I can fully express yet. I decided that that look was enough for me to find my strength to continue to live for her. Continue to live for my mom as well, who I know would also be devastated.
What proceeded Thursday through Sunday was pure torment. As the sleep deprivation continued, the anxiety amped up as well. Panic attacks, and now full on PTSD is likely what I have. Physiologically, I had (and still do to a much less degree), vibrations going through me. I could not lay down on the bed without my body spasming. I genuinely thought I was about to have a seizure at one point.
There was no rest, no peace. Like a computer that is always on with no reset. Sleep is our usual reset, where we heel and prepare to fight the next day. I had no such relief. I thought about my wife’s face thousands of times a day. There were new noises appearing likely due to anxiety.
Finally, we bit the bullet and took strong anti-anxiety medication for sleep. We call them our qualuudes (like the Wolf of Wall Street). I realized I needed this because physically, it was impossible to sleep if my body is fidgeting constantly. Sunday night, I took the first half of the pill at 9:30pm, then the second at 10:30. My wife and I have a wind-down routine with background noise and a choreographed process to fall asleep.
I laid my head down sometime between 11 and 12pm, and the next thing I knew it was 7:30 AM.
We cried tears of joy. That became the single best morning of my entire life, I think. A little moment of heaven—and that’s not an exaggeration. Laying there in the sheets and hugging my wife was the best feeling in the world. I will never forget that moment.
I then stopped myself from thinking too far into the future about what we will do next. For now, we have a short term solution with our qualuudes. We’ve used them every night since with the same routine. The next night I slept longer. Last night I didn’t sleep quite as much, but still around seven hours.
I feel like I finally got my head out of the sand for a moment. I feel like myself again.
I saw a therapist yesterday at noon. I don’t know if I will continue with her, or find another. My doctor also referred me to a psychiatrist, which I think will help. We also have a follow up with my doctor on Friday to discuss our game plan going forward to eventually ween off the quaaludes and into a more sustainable habit.
Today, my wife and I are going to our favourite park to play chess. There’s a Tibetan restaurant we like near by and we’ll get lunch there. I hope to go for a happier bike ride again later this week.
You’ll have to forgive the poor writing and grammar (more than usual) this week. I didn’t spend much time editing this. Actually, I didn’t spend any time on that at all.
Until next week, VP.
It’s very important to transcend places that hold us.
- Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter
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